Author: Jean

Lenten Repentance

Have you ever really wanted something? I mean to really want it! Did your desire for it transcend everything else in your life? I have wanted so many things, so many times. But one thing sticks out in my memory. I think I was about 11 – and all I wanted for my birthday was a bow and arrow set. I mean, I really wanted it. I pestered my parents until I was blue in the face – but my birthday came and went and no bow and arrow. I was crushed, confused, and greatly disappointed. I have no idea why I didn’t get it – it seemed like everyone else got what they wanted! (I’m pretty sure my desire was not really about the bow and arrow!)

To desire something deeply makes one vulnerable. It has the power to expose us and the power to ruin us. But God made us for desire! He made us to direct the whole of our hearts in desire to the good He has for us. When desire is directed toward the thing we were made for – it moves us, it transforms us. It is like being shot out of a cannon! The desire for a life with God is the thing we were made for. And our God-driven desires picture for us the gift He has for us during this season of Lent.

I was not aware of this before my time preparing for Lent last year, but I discovered that the Orthodox Church spends five weeks before the first day of Lent in preparing for it! Can you imagine spending five weeks preparing for the preparation of Easter? As I continue my thoughts about desire, I need to say just how indebted I am to Father Alexander Schmemann for his great book: “Great Lent: the Journey to Pascha”.

There are five feasts in the weeks before Lent begins, and they all center around godly desire. Each week stresses a particular desire which together displays a picture of repentance.  It’s beautiful and I want to somehow bring us into an experience of each desire as a facet of this wonderful jewel of repentance.

The first feast centers on the story of Zaccheaus from Luke 19:2-8. Zacchaeus had such a desire to meet Jesus, and yet there was no way to get close to Jesus because of his limitations (he was short… – like some of the rest of us).  I love what Schmemann says about this:

…ours is to desire that which is deepest and truest in ourselves, to acknowledge the thirst and hunger for the Absolute which is in us whether we know it or not, and which, when we deviate from it and turn our desires away, makes us indeed a “useless passion.” And if we desire deeply enough, strongly enough, Christ will respond.

Alexander Schmemann, Great Lent, p. 16

The first desire reveals a deep hunger for God and His righteousness. This is the virtue of godly desire.

The second feast tells the story of the tax-collector and the Pharisee, from Luke 18: 10-14. We know how that story goes. The Pharisee comes to the temple full of presumption (and full of himself). In his “prayers” to God he says – “I am so glad I am not like that guy over there!” The tax collector comes to the temple, acutely aware of his deep need for forgiveness and simply cries out “God, be merciful to me, a sinner!”

 “The lenten season begins then by a quest, a prayer for humility which is the beginning of true repentance. For repentance, above everything else, is a return to the genuine order of things. It is, therefore, rooted in humility and humility – the divine and beautiful humility – is its fruit and its seed”

Great Lent, p. 18.

This desire is for: A return to the right order of things – This is the virtue of humility – God is God and we are not!

The third feast tells the story of The Prodigal Son, Luke 15:11-32; a familiar story, where the second son leaves his home to make his way in the world. He squanders all he had and has given his heart (and his desires) to things that cannot last, unlovely cravings and sins. He “repents” and turns back toward home, not expecting grace or kindness. He is totally sickened by his wastefulness and sin.

To truly repent means that we realize just how far we are from home. In our wanderings “something pure and precious and beautiful has been hopelessly broken in the very texture of my existence” … and through our confession, through our longings – we turn our faces home – and there the Father not only meets us at the door, He runs to greet us. He says – “Oh how I have longed for this day – My joy is overflowing…” This reveals Lent itself as pilgrimage and repentance as return. We see that the real prodigal in this story is the Father – generous and lavish in His love for us!

“It is easy indeed to confess that I have not fasted on prescribed days, or missed my prayers, or become angry.  It is quite a different thing to realize suddenly that I have defiled and lost my spiritual beauty, that I am far away from my real home, my real life, and that something precious and pure and beautiful has been hopelessly broken in the very texture of my existence. Yet this, and only this, is repentance, and therefore it is also a deep desire to return, to go back, to recover that lost home”

Great Lent: p. 21-22

This is a deep desire to return to God and is the virtue of contrition, godly sorrow over our sinfulness.

The fourth feast is celebrated on the fourth Sunday of preparation. The story commemorating this is the Last Judgment, from Matthew 25:31-46. It marks Christ’s words to those there on the Last Judgment. The scripture says that when Christ comes in glory and sits on his throne he will say: “For I was hungry, and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked, and you clothed me, I was sick, and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then they asked Him, “when did we do this”? His response? – “when you did it to the least of these!”

Christian love is the “possible impossibility” to see Christ in another man, whoever he is, and whom God, in his eternal and mysterious plan, has decided to introduce into my life, be it only for a few minutes, not as an occasion for a “good deed” or an exercise in philanthropy, but as the beginning of an eternal companionship in God himself.

Great Lent, p. 23.

This form of repentance brings a deepening love for “the other“– and is the virtue of love. It gives us the grace to see and care for the needs of others.

The final feast is celebrated on the last Sunday before Lent and the story is from Matthew 6:14-21, with Christ’s commands to forgive those who have sinned against us. He says that our own forgiveness is at risk when we refuse to forgive our enemies. Schmemann says, “The triumph of sin, the main sign of its rule over the world, is division, opposition, separation, hatred. Therefore, the first break through this fortress of sin is forgiveness”. – a return to unity, peace, brotherhood” (GL:27).

This desire moves us to “lay down our arms” – and is the virtue of forgiveness – as we confess and receive, we are more naturally open to forgiving others…but the warning is clear – forgive that you may be forgiven.

This picture of repentance then centers on these five desires or virtues: hunger for God, humility, contrition, love and forgiveness.

One way we can keep faith with our baptisms is to seek out spiritual practices that correspond to these desires. I will write more on that later, but there is one practice that I have felt called to in regard to humility and that is the practice of silence. This has not gone well so far (insert laughing emoji here) – if my goal has actually been success in the practice! But this decision, this practice has revealed how much ugly pride there is in my heart and how much disdain for others I have. I have been confronted with my need to feel superior – and one way this is manifested is that I roll my eyes a lot (sometimes externally, often internally) when I think what someone has done or said is beneath me – my superior intellect or even my spiritual prowess. “Ouch! Dr. Marvin, you can help me!” (cue the first scene of What About Bob).

That’s enough for now – Let me leave you with this incredible word from John Shea on repentance:

“The more deeply one enters into the experience of the sacred the more one is aware of one’s own personal evil and the destructive forces in society. The fact that one is alive to what is possible for humankind sharpens one’s sense that we are fallen people. The awareness of sin is the inevitable consequence of having met grace… This grace-judgment dynamic reveals that the center of Christian life is repentance. This does not mean that the distinguishing mark of the Christian is breast-beating. Feeling sorry, acknowledging guilt, and prolonging regret may be components of the human condition, but they are not what Jesus means by repentance. Repentance is the response to grace that overcomes the past and opens out to a new future. Repentance distinguishes Christian life as one of struggle and conversion and pervades it, not with remorse, but with hope. The message of Jesus is not “Repent,” but “Repent for the Kingdom of God is near.” 

The Lord’s Prayer in Lent: Spiritual Practices

Our Father, who art in heaven, 
Hallowed be thy name. 
Thy kingdom come; thy will be done. 
On earth as it is in heaven. 
Give us this day, our daily bread, 
And forgive us our sins, 
As we forgive those who have sinned against us.  
And lead us not into temptation. 
But deliver us from evil. 
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, 
And the glory, forever. Amen. 

Dear Father, we acknowledge that You live in a high and holy place. We bless the holiness of  Your name. In this season of Lent we ask that Your kingdom would come here on earth as it is in the heavens – Your dwelling place. May Your good and perfect will be done. We ask Lord, that You would give us all that we need to set apart this journey toward Easter. Teach us the rhythm of confession and forgive us for all our sins and give us grace to forgive others. Give us boldness to confess any unholy posture toward those who have sinned against us. Lead us not into temptation by giving us grace and the understanding of its power. Deliver us from evil – for with You only goodness, and glory, and power and grace belong to you. Only You. Amen.

Confessional Prayer – Spiritual Practices

Confession of sin is a powerful Lenten practice as we learn to turn back from the far country of our failings, and excesses. It is also a good way to practice dying, a dying that puts us in mind of our baptisms.  “To practice death is to practice freedom. A man who has learned how to die has unlearned how to be a slave.” Montaigne

Begin by centering your heart in God’s presence… Give thanks to Him that you do not need to hide anything from him. Affirm that He is faithful and good, and his mercy and grace are “new every morning.” The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness” (Lam. 3:22-23). 

Now let him begin the process of searching your heart. Are there ways you have not honored Christ this week? Where were your thoughts and desires not centered in Him? Have you failed in keeping the promises and practices He has called you to in this season?

Then, simply confess in as specific a way you can the sins that trouble you. Don’t rush through this process. Simply rest in God’s presence as He does this.

Now choose to let this go and receive Christ’s forgiveness for you. Remember – “He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9)

Receive His assurance of pardon –  7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8 which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight 9 making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ . (Eph 1:7-9 ESV)

And finally commit this confession to the Lord. As you rest in his forgiveness ask him how to walk this out. Ask for the supernatural power of His Spirit to give you what you need to move forward. Thank him that you “have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer [you] who live, but Christ lives in [you]” (Gal. 2:20).

Who is like a God like you, pardoning iniquity and passing over transgression For the remnant of his inheritance He does not retain his anger forever, Because he delights in steadfast love. He will again have compassion on us; He will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea. You will show faithfulness to Jacob and steadfast love to Abraham, as you have sworn to our fathers From the days of old.  Micah 7:18-20

Lectio Divina – Spiritual Practices In Lent

 18 “Is not the LORD your God with you? And has he not given you peace on every side? For he has delivered the inhabitants of the land into my hand, and the land is subdued before the LORD and his people. 19 Now set your mind and heart to seek the LORD your God. Arise and build the sanctuary of the LORD God, so that the ark of the covenant of the LORD and the holy vessels of God may be brought into a house built for the name of the LORD.” (1 Chronicles 22:18-19 (ESV))

Step One – Read the passage slowly, attentively. Allow yourself to be taken in by the words – pay attention to any word or phrase that strikes you in the passage. (If you haven’t studied this passage, you may find this first reading will stir observation questions in you – such as who, what when, where, how).

Step Two – Read it again. Meditate and reflect on the passage. What is it in your life that needs to hear that word or phrase? Sit in silence for a time, attending to the thoughts, images and impressions that begin to come to you. Turn that into prayer.

Step Three – What is God saying to you? What do you begin to feel called to?

Step Four – How does God want you to live this passage out? What are you resolved to do?

Every Moment Holy: A Liturgy For Those Who Have Done Harm

My soul is chastened within me, O God.
Yet even in this crush of conviction
there flickers a spark of hope,
for you have told us you discipline those whom you love.

I have harmed another, O Lord, and now
I have neither peace nor rest.
Yet I recognize in my own agitation
the stirrings of your Spirit who works in us, ever for our good.

I have run from your presence
and from my conscience,
but I would run no more, O Lord.

I have hidden myself in shadows,
seeking to avoid your face,
even as did my father Adam and
my mother Eve in their first guilt.

I have drawn away from the sound of your voice, fearful
of what you might speak, fearful of what obedience might require,
for I have sinned, O Father, and I am pained
at this thought, and shamed
to bring my faults into the light…

I confess, O God, that I have broken faith,
broken trust, wounded another,
and for this I repent.

Restorer of all things, redeem
the damage I have done.
Restore, remake, rekindle, rebuild.
Heal, comfort, and repair.
Knit together that which I have rent…

Forgive me, O Lord, lest I despair.
Restore me, lest I be forever lost.
For your pardon alone
is sufficient to my peace;
and your death to my resurrection.
Embrace me again to life
and to right standing with you, O God,
and to the fellowship of love
and compassion that is your church.

I am always, every moment, in need of you. Amen

This liturgy is made available through a website called: Every Moment Holy. There are several different volumes of various liturgies and they are all so good!

Go to this link: https://www.everymomentholy.com/liturgies
and purchase/ download… as hard copies or pdfs. Please support this author: Douglas McKelvey.

The Night Before

Tomorrow marks Ash Wednesday which is a day of both remembrance and preparation. Two realities pierce our souls on this day – the mortality of all who have ever lived and loved – and then of course – the extent of our moral failure. We are marked by the dust and by the ashes. We can escape neither reality. Ash Wednesday gives us a moment to sit in those ashes and remember that we will die, and remember that outside of the saving blood of Jesus Christ we can never be what we were intended to be. Job is felled by his God when he comes to the end of himself and says: “The Job answered the LORD and said:

2 “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 3 ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’ Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. 4 ‘Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.’  5 I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; 6 therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.” (Job 42:1-6 ESV)

Job 42:1-6

Ash Wednesday does not stand alone in the life of the Christian – it’s the beginning of the story, the first page, the first chapter. All Glory to our Savior who walks with us from the desert of Ash Wednesday to the suffering of His death on the Cross – but even that it is not the end of the story. No. The story never ends – yet, its climax happens on the third day – The day – the human, bruised, bloody body of Christ defeated death once and for all. Can we truly grasp this? Can we come to that deep knowledge that death no longer has the power to sting, that sin has no more power to bruise or stain the hearts of the children of God?

But let’s start at the beginning. Ash Wednesday holds some powerful memories for me. In 2014, three weeks before my grandson Zekey died – my son brought him forward to receive the ashes we all received. Over him was spoken this phrase – “Ezekiel, from dust you came and to dust you shall return”. His forehead was marked with the ashes in the sign of the cross – and what this meant was this: “Zeke, you will die – but your Savior took those ashes and became them as He bore your death and your sin on the Cross.” We wept that night – real grief and yet tears of joy. It is only the Christian faith can make that declaration of freedom.

The very next year my dear friend and mentor, Leanne Payne, died on February 18th, Ash Wednesday. It was hard for those of us who were with her in the days leading up to her death. She wanted only one thing – to be with Jesus, and with loved ones who were already with Him. No one was more human than Leanne. She suffered at the end of her life – but she never let go of the reality that she, a soul with a body, belonged to and in Christ. She was a woman whose life counted for so much. She gave her all to the work of the kingdom and suffered mightily for it. Thousands of Christians throughout the world have been changed through her ministry of healing, mine included. She delighted in her smallness. Her life was a testimony to what God can do with and through one who has fully given their life to Him. We were relieved, sad and joyful that Ash Wednesday morning when she passed. Because Leanne was now in the presence of the One she loved more than life!

We are comforted, aren’t we, by the knowledge that death and sin have lost their power for those who know Christ as Savior and Lord? What a motivation that can be as we pray for and share our faith with loved ones who don’t know Him! May we press into that challenge as we journey through Lent.

But, before we leave this day – I think we are called to pause and sit in those ashes and dust and remember not only our own mortality but the death of others whom we’ve loved and grieved. There is enough room on this day – to grieve. We will make it to Easter – and in the meantime, let’s come to Jesus and let him be the dear refuge of our weary souls.

Dear refuge of my weary soul,
On Thee, when sorrows rise,
On Thee, when waves of trouble roll,
My fainting hope relies.
To Thee I tell each rising grief,
For Thou alone canst heal;
Thy Word can bring a sweet relief
For every pain I feel.

VERSE 2

But oh! When gloomy doubts prevail,
I fear to call Thee mine;
The springs of comfort seem to fail,
And all my hopes decline.
Yet, gracious God, where shall I flee?
Thou art my only trust;
And still my soul would cleave to Thee
Though prostrate in the dust.

VERSE 3

Hast Thou not bid me seek Thy face,
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sov’reign grace
Be deaf when I complain?
No, still the ear of sov’reign grace
Attends the mourner’s prayer;
O may I ever find access
To breathe my sorrows there.

VERSE 4

Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat;
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And beneath Thy feet.
Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat;
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet.

Beginning the Journey: Lenten Practices

“That he may remain faithful to his Baptism, living by it, making it always the source and the power of his life, a constant judgment, criterion, inspiration, ‘rule of life.’” (Schmemann)

As we prepare for Lent it’s good to return to this thought that Lent is a spiritual journey which begins with acknowledging both our mortality and our sin nature and ends with celebrating the Easter feast! As we travel, we need to keep this idea in mind that we are called to remain faithful to our baptisms. As Schmemann writes, he sees  baptism as a rule of life, a measure of how deeply we need to hold onto our dying and our rising in Christ. There are practices that help us practice both dying and living the new life. Sometimes these practices are called spiritual disciplines, but for a few reasons I believe practice is a better description of what we do than discipline. The reason for that from my perspective is that discipline implies sheer effort on the part of the one engaging in the disciplines and reduces the role of the indwelling Spirit to help us walk that out. It’s easy with Lenten disciplines (or spiritual disciplines in all seasons) to set the high mark and then see it as a “law” that must be kept. Paul stresses that we “died to the law” so that we might live to God. He continues:

I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.

Galatians 2:20

I don’t want to minimize the place of effort on our parts to stay centered in Christ. In many ways, the difference between spiritual practice and spiritual discipline is semantic but my own bias leans toward the idea that spiritual practices come forth from the abiding nature of our relationship with Christ. If the concept of disciplines aids you on this journey, go for it!

This post finds us somewhat late to the party (although Lent doesn’t start until tomorrow – for Western Christians) in terms of deciding what spiritual practices God is calling us to. I personally need to take the time to be intentional about this. I need the time to pray and listen to the Holy Spirit on what practices will help me continue both to live out my baptism and to be prepared for all that will come in Holy Week!

Here are some questions that help me do that:

  1. What spiritual practices are you drawn to and why?
  1. What practices or disciplines are you resistant to? A strong reaction to a practice (like fasting) may reveal an area of brokenness that you need to seek healing for. So my encouragement would be: press into that – bring it to prayer, seek out prayer from a trusted friend or pastoral partner.
  1. What practices do you feel God showing you that would address weaknesses in your character?
  1. Do you have a plan for failure?

Another question I have used in the past is this prayer: “Lord, what is the grace You desire to deepen in me over these next 40 days?”

The place for me to start then is intentionality. I need to plan. But then I also need to make this truly a spiritual practice. We are tempted to enter Lent solely with the question we ask of ourselves or others – “what are you giving up for Lent?” I am amazed to hear this question coming from people who have no spiritual reason to fast. It’s just something people do during this time of the year.

We need as well to know how we will handle failure!  What Alexander Schmemann says about fasting here is true of any spiritual practice we take on: “…After all this is said, one must still remember that however limited our fasting, if it is true fasting, it will lead to temptation, weakness, doubt, and irritation. In other terms, it will be a real fight, and probably we shall fail many times. But the very discovery of Christian life as fight, and effort is the essential aspect of fasting. A faith which has not overcome doubts and temptation is seldom a real faith. No progress in Christian life is possible, alas, without the bitter experience of failures.” (Great Lent: 103-104)

We cannot keep our promises without the reality that Christ dwells in us. We need the power of Christ within – the working of the Holy Spirit- to be the kind of people God calls us to be. It’s as if we need to carry Christmas (the Incarnation) into our observance of Lent, and on into our journey to Resurrection Sunday.

We are cracked pots (2 Cor 4:7) – and Lent reminds us again that we are woefully inadequate in our own strength – not merely to enter into the fasts of Lent – but to be loving and forgiving and gracious people. Is this not the fast God chooses for us? – Micah 6:8 – “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”

So, as we take up this journey may we keep faith with the promises we’ve made, but may we also realize that the truest promise we can keep is the one that draws on His indwelling power to love, to be humble and to serve. Perhaps these words of Paul can be the encouragement you need in this season!

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us…. [we are] always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our bodies.”

2 Corinthians 4:7-10

This life of Christ that is manifested in our bodies is a life rooted in love, mercy, justice and grace.

I will write more about specific practices in following posts but you might want to consider these: fasting (from food, social media, screen…), silence, solitude, sacrifice; and these practices Dallas Willard called disciplines of engagement: study, memorization, confession, service…

My desire both for myself and for you is that we enter Lent with a cleansed and ready heart to walk with Jesus from the desert to the Cross to the Resurrection.

The Lord’s Prayer – Preparing for Lent

Our Father, who art in heaven, 
Hallowed be thy name. 
Thy kingdom come; thy will be done. 
On earth as it is in heaven. 
Give us this day, our daily bread, 
And forgive us our sins, 
As we forgive those who have sinned against us.  
And lead us not into temptation. 
But deliver us from evil. 
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, 
And the glory, forever. Amen. 

Dear Holy Father, we pray that our hearts would be fully ready to walk this path from the desert to the Resurrection. Our one desire Lord is that your kingdom would come in full, that we would take our place there as we reclaim our baptisms. Your kingdom and Your will are our heart’s desire. Father, as we remember the waters of our baptisms, would You give us Your bread, Your life, Your Resurrection power that is the only true sustenance we need. Teach us Lord, how to ask and how to receive Your forgiveness and to freely forgive those who have hurt or wounded or betrayed us. Test us not, O Lord, but deliver us from evil. To You alone, Father, Son and Spirit is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever. Amen.

Living Out Our Baptisms – Confessional Prayer

[C.S.] Lewis stressed the act of confession and the reception of pardon as a most important and objective act, and was on his guard against those “states of feeling” that would make of this most important act a merely subjective thing. It seemed to him that a “programme of permanent emotions,” about ourselves could turn even the act of our confession into a mere state of “feeling” about ourselves. 

Leanne Payne, “Real Presence”

Start by centering your heart in God’s presence… Give thanks to Him that He through His baptism began the process of fully identifying with us so that He could offer his life for ours.  Affirm that He is faithful and good, and his mercy and grace are “new every morning.” The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness” (Lam. 3:22-23).

 Now let Him begin the process of searching your heart. Are there ways you have not honored Christ this week? Are there ways you have failed to live out your baptism? Where were your thoughts and desires not centered in Him? How have you failed in obedience to Christ?

Then, simply confess specifically what the Holy Spirit is showing you. Don’t rush through this process. Simply rest in God’s presence as He does this.

Now choose to let this go and receive the truth of this passage: “I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. Let him lead me to the banquet hall and let his banner over me be love”. If you have confessed a stronghold of fear or complacency receive Christ’s forgiveness for you. Remember – “He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

And finally commit this confession to the Lord. As you rest in his grace and mercy ask Him how to walk this out. Ask for the supernatural power of His Spirit to give you what you need to move forward. Thank Him that you “have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer [you] who live, but Christ lives in [you]” (Gal. 2:20).